Have you ever wondered if you’re caught up in people pleasing?  If you find yourself spending a lot of time trying to please other people, putting their needs first and making sure you don’t upset them, you may be caught up in people pleasing.

Do you find yourself saying yes when you want to say no or spending your time trying to please everyone else so you can feel good about yourself?  If so, you may be a people pleaser.

Of course, we all want other people to like us, to fit it and to be accepted. That’s a normal human emotion. Who doesn’t want to think of themselves as a kind and caring person?

Being loving and helpful is usually seen as a good thing.  You may have received praise for helping others as a child and been rewarded for putting other peoples’ needs first.  As this gets reinforced, feeling you have to please others can set up unhealthy habits of self-sacrifice and self-neglect. You end up do whatever it takes to make other people happy, even if you end up tired, emotional and burnt out.

Feeling good

Helping others feels good. And it’s great to receive praise, thanks and recognition that you’re a good person. In fact, helping others can benefit your heath in some ways. But, if you’re always chasing after these feelings, it can lead to people pleasing being your default way of life. And not leaving time for yourself means you can end up feeling stress and anxiety.

If you’re a people pleaser you place your own needs firmly at the back of the queue. Trying to keep other people happy can stretch your own health and wellbeing to breaking point. Instead of taking time to care of yourself, all your time and energy goes into meeting others’ needs. It can be exhausting trying to be all things to all people and not speaking up when you feel hurt or upset. You can end up feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.

Can’t say no, even when you want to

While you may enjoy helping, you can often end up feeling frustrated when you are doing things grudgingly or because you feel you can’t say no. This can set in place a cycle of helping someone, then being annoyed at them for taking advantage, and then feeling sorry for yourself. These feelings can then result in other unhelpful behaviours as a way to compensate such as comfort eating, shopping or drinking.

For ways to deal with this check out  https://www.blossomhypnotherapy.com/how-to-have-healthy-habits/

Hiding your true self

People-pleasers often hide their feelings and their own needs and desires, so they can fit in with others. This can make it feel as if you are not living your life genuinely. It can even leave you feeling that you don’t know what you really want or don’t know yourself at all.

As a result, other people don’t get to know the real you. This can affect your confidence and self esteem as you don’t express your true thoughts or feelings. You may not value your own needs and look to doing things for other people to gain approval and acceptance.

For ways to break out of this cycle have a look at https://www.blossomhypnotherapy.com/assertive/

Being taken for granted

Over time, people get used to you always helping and may begin to take your kindness and attentiveness for granted. So much so, that they’re not even aware they’re taking advantage of you. They have become so used to you being the person who’s always willing to help so they always ask. They may not even realise how much you’re giving of yourself, and stretching yourself too thin, just so you can be able to help them.

Learning to stop people pleasing

The good news is there are steps that you can take to stop people pleasing. You can learn skills to balance making others happy without sacrificing yourself. When I work with clients who want to let go of people pleasing, we look at their life as a whole to find the approach that works for them. We look at the thoughts, feelings and actions that lead them to default to putting others needs before their own.  Once we can understand the patterns of behaviour, we have the key to making lasting changes.  Together we develop and practice strategies to help you to learn when you want to say yes, and to be able to say no when you want to without feeling guilty.  We look at ways for you to value your own needs and to express your own thoughts and feelings without fear. Working in partnership with you, I support you to make the changes you want in your life, in a way that lasts.

Client stories

 

Change is possible

If this sounds like you, just like Fiona, Jane and Steph, you too are capable of change. It takes courage, but it can be done. When I work with clients with a history of people pleasing, I listen to all their worries and fears about being free to be themselves at work, in their relationships and in social situations.  I support them to see there is another way to live their life.  I work in partnership with them to make changes at a pace that is right for them. We work together to develop a step by step approach to gradually let go of people pleasing behaviours in a safe and supported way.

If you too are caught up in persistent people pleasing, there are steps you can take to change. It takes courage, but it can be done. 

Letting go of people pleasing can take time. Each step can be learnt and built upon. By taking these steps you can start to live your life on your own terms.

1. Set boundaries

Start to get clear on your boundaries.  Write down what your limits are and get clear on them in your own mind.  Then you can clearly and concisely communicate your boundaries to other people.  It helps to be clear and specific about what you’re willing to take on, and when. If it seems like someone is asking for too much, let them know unambiguously this time you won’t be able to help.  It can help to practice what you are going to say beforehand.

You can also create boundaries in your life to help you to let go of people-pleasing. For instance, you may decide to only take phone calls at certain times, such as after your children are in bed or after you’ve finished your working day.  You can then set limits on when you are able to talk. You can also explain to others that you are only available for a certain amount of time. This can be help you to values your time and conveys the message clearly to others.  It also ensures you have control over what you are willing to do and also when you are willing to do it.

2. Start small

It can be hard to make a sudden change.  It’s often much easier to begin by asserting yourself in small ways.  You’re not only teaching yourself to do things differently, you also have to change the expectations of those around you so they understand and respect your new boundaries.

As a result,  it helps to start with small steps.  Each small change supports to gradually let go of being a people pleaser.

It can be helpful to start by saying no to smaller requests or expressing your thoughts about something small, or even asking for some help yourself.  For instance, you could try saying no to a text request. The next step would be to  work your way up to saying no face to face. It can help to practice in different settings or situations such as when talking to a shop assistant, ordering food at a restaurant, or communicating with colleagues at work.

3. Take your time

Next time someone asks you to do something, try asking for more time.  You could say you need time to think about it so you’re not put on the spot there and then.  Feeling you have to say yes straight away can leave you agreeing to things you don’t want to do, leaving you to feel stressed, anxious and overwhelmed.  Giving yourself time to respond can give you the space to evaluate and decide if it’s something you do want to do.

Before you make a decision, try asking yourself:

• How much time will this take?
• Is this something I want to do?
• Do I have enough time to do it?
• How will I feel if I say yes?

By giving yourself a breathing space, you’ll be more able to choose if you want to do and have the capacity to take it on.

4. Stop making excuses

Learn to be direct when you say no.  Try and avoid blaming other obligations or making excuses for why you can’t participate. Once you start explaining why you can’t do something, you’re giving others a way to find holes in your excuse. Similarly, they may take it as an opportunity to change what they’re asking you to do to ensure that you can still do what they want.

It can really help to use a decisive tone when you say no to something.  It’s good to resist the urge to add in all the reasons why you can’t do it. Instead, try and remind yourself that no is a complete sentence.

There are lots of apps out there to help you.  One of the best is a Google Chrome extension called Just Not Sorry? Every time you write emails using phrases such as, “I’m just,” “I think,” or “I’m no expert,” it rewrites it for you.

You can check it out here

Would you like to make living life easier, right now? Get your free Live Life on Your Terms recording here and begin to live your life with confidence.

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